This post was edited from its original form to remove the actual name of The Plaintiff in CL11-5265-00 while I fight this individual’s malicious legal action in Prince William County Circuit Court. For now, the pseudonym Sahn deLuce will appear in place of the actual name of The Plaintiff.

It just hit me. Lately, I’ve been living in a level of fear that I thought I had escaped when I moved from 15759 Widewater Drive, Montclair, VA 22026 almost a year ago.

Sahn deLuce, the subject of posts on this blog and whom I accuse of manipulating, coercing, abusing and ultimately raping me in 2008, is suing me for defamation. Fine. I knew this was a possibility when I named him and others on this site. It’s the cost of taking this type of stand.

I walk the precarious path of recovery from long-time sexual violence. Naming names is part of how I face my own damage, do my part to prevent future victims and offer affirmation to those who have already been victimized.

I own my truth and I will stand by it.

The process of suing someone should be fair and square. It should not make a defendant fear for their safety, welfare and very life. Sahn deLuce hired a private investigator to find me. Like his client, this private investigator has been hostile, aggressive and intimidating. We have never met. He has displayed this behavior toward innocents at the UPS store in Loudoun County where I rent a mail box.

Why do I rent a mail box? Because, for my own safety, I can not have a permanent address. Why? Because, when I lived near Sahn deLuce, I successfully derailed and stopped his pattern of plotting harm against me by starting this blog and documenting everything he was doing and threatened to do. Moving was mandatory for me (see my Sept. 20 post This Truth I Own) but I knew it could reignite his efforts to cause harm. I was right.

Months after his 2008 rape of me, a close confidant of his fled his company and revealed to me his plan to compel her to give false witness in a police report accusing me of trespassing and of harassing them both. This source also delivered an alarming warning to me about his expressed intention to acquire a firearm and mortally harm me. She fled, fearing that her refusal to comply would have resulted in the same happening to her.

Then there were mysterious online profiles set up on my behalf soliciting men to contact me for dates and soliciting real estate agents and buyers to purchase my then house. An instructional company also called me because they received an inquiry supposedly from me, requesting information on registering for remedial writing courses.

What curtailed this behavior and thwarted his dark plans? This blog, my raised voice and the courage of an individual who would not yield to his intimidation.

Had his former confidante not fled his company, had this individual not resisted his pressure to file a false police report, I may have been charged myself. Had this individual not intervened and warned me of his nefarious intentions, I may not have taken the prompt steps to cast him into the light on this blog, derailing his plans, at least for a time.

Last I posted, I was facing an Oct. 7 hearing date in Prince William County seeking to enjoin (bar) this site from naming Sahn deLuce.

The week before the hearing, I got a call (Sept. 30) from the UPS store saying that Sahn deLuce’s private investigator had walked into the store without court order or legal authorization demanding to obtain my personal information (address/whereabouts) in a manner that was hostile, aggressive and intimidating. He told her she was “trained wrong” and that she had to give him the information. She repeatedly refused. He demanded to speak with her boss. He also refused.

A customer heard the exchange and called him on the intimidation, threatening to call the police. This caused the private investigator to leave in a hurry. The UPS employee expressed concern about how safe it is for me to go to my own mail box. I felt it too.

I didn’t trust this scenario at all, and I certainly didn’t (and don’t) trust this private investigator, given his egregious behavior even toward people who merely do business with me but who are not otherwise involved in this case. Of course, his client merits no trust from me. Now others bear independent witness as to why. No lawful, professionally minded court processor would have behaved like that, I’d like to believe. I felt this revealed and reaffirmed a malicious undertone, a subversive intention masquerading in a lawsuit. Sahn deLuce personally obtaining personal information about me, I fear, would lead to trouble I may not be able to avert, avoid or escape, this time.

When I lived in the same neighborhood as Sahn deLuce, he had to be stopped, first by his confidant outing him and ultimately by my putting everything on this site to not only warn others, but to serve as my voice should anything have happened to me.

I wrote and filed a statement to the court about the Sept. 30 incident, along with a motion to continue this case for six months to deal with medical, safety and other issues, including revisiting criminal action against Sahn deLuce. (I filed two police reports in 2008–one for the rape and the other for the cyberstalking. For a variety of reasons, including safety issues caused by my proximity to him, I chose to wait before pressing for any formal charges . Read “Recovery Chronicles” I-XII for more details.) THESE POSTS WILL BE EDITED WITH THE NEW PSEUDONYM AND MADE PUBLIC SHORTLY.

The Oct. 7 court date came and went and I heard nothing from Sahn deLuce, his attorney or the private investigator. I was not enjoined on Oct. 7.

Then on Oct. 28, the private investigator went back to the UPS store and did something I still don’t understand, by any rational measure anyway. He walked up to the UPS representative and “served” her as if she were me, according to her account. She protested that she is not Esmeralda Barnes, but he reiterated his bizarre, misdirected declaration, “You’ve been served.”

As he walked out the door, another UPS employee reported that the investigator waived a tape recorder at them, in another attempt to harass, intimidate and force their cooperation. He went back a third time and told them they may be subpoenaed because I named them in my deposition to the court. UPS refused to be bullied, and didn’t give him what he wanted—personal information about me.

A new court date is set for Nov. 18. After months of looking over my shoulder (again!), I have had more than enough. I am done being intimidated by this man and his bullies, and am initiating legal processes to end this, once and for all. Win or lose, I don’t deserve to live like this. I don’t deserve to be afraid to go to my own mail box.

If a sheriff were doing the serving, I would have some comfort in knowing that he had not been hired by Sahn deLuce and that this contact would be only for the purpose of serving me. I’d have some comfort in knowing that I could participate in this legal action without feeling as if it may be the last thing I do.

I don’t believe serving me is the only purpose here.

As I reflect on the frightening history of this situation and recent events, I am convinced that it is the intention of Sahn deLuce to intimidate me into silence (take down this Web site) and, ultimately, cause me physical and mortal harm. Tell me, what would his private investigator do with information of my whereabouts, especially when he tries to extract that information so subversively and aggressively? Would he keep this information from Sahn deLuce, who is paying him? What would Sahn deLuce do once he obtained this information?

I don’t intend to find out. I do intend to do everything legally possible to hold him accountable for everything he has done and caused me.

It is my belief that Sahn deLuce‘s lawsuit (CL11005265-00) is malicious right down to the thuggish private investigator, and it is purely an attempt to curtail my right to speak about my own story in violation of the First Amendment.

Shutting down this site certainly would benefit Sahn deLuce. Who else would it benefit? Others who harm innocents under the cover of public ignorance and anonymity? Certainly. I’ll tell you who would not benefit: Certainly not the women Sahn deLuce has hurt, those who contacted me because this site exists. Certainly not victims’ still unsteady on their feet, shakily raising their voices to exercise their right to speak of their own stories, name the ones who caused the harm and try to prevent further harm to others.

It will not work, Sahn deLuce’s attempt to frighten me into silence. I will not be afraid, intimidated or harassed, in any way, any longer. It has been scary for a very long time, and I face some significant challenges on a number of fronts. But fear won’t own me. I’ve come too far for that.

It’s hard to beat someone who never gives up. –Babe Ruth